i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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