no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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