its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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