Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
