she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
