I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
