I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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