Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
