the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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