how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I need water and some morals
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
