all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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