I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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