My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
