u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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