how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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