i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
