thus making me awesome and them whores
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
