Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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