Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
