dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
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oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.