I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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