I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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