and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm having to shit out rocks
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
