a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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