i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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