I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
