My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
