i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my being single is dangerous.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize