Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
