ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
