I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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