I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
