I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
