By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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