Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
