Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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