Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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