I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
