I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
