rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
