I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
