I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
