Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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