Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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