when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
