what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
