I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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