I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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