you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
