Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
