Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
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It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
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How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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