they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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