At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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