dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
