I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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